“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.