Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
how to market bottled water to dads
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.