Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.