My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
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Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.