Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
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Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats