Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol