My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
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My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
the red hot silly peppers
#CoronaOutbreak
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.