There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Is fake venison called venisn’t
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men