That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
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Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”