I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
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Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell