My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
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My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
How it started How it’s going
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist