*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
You Might Also Like
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
it was love at first sight
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
the short answer to this question
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?