Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
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asking santa clause for nudes
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”