Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
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i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
tis the season
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.