Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
is nasa ok
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry