I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
what the
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I think they could have phrased this better
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow