First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath