*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
The happy life.. 😊
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Ron is short for Aaronald
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
concern
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.