WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
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Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
A bold strategy
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.