whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!