“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
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Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
How do you milk an almond?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.