Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
You Might Also Like
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.