try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Happy Star Wars day!
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”