Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
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Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
kevin is now a local weatherman
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined