your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I need to update my racial profile.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Owl Sanctuary
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.