message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*