To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
This has made my week.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.