Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.