I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
happy valentine’s day to me
Comparing yourself to others
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager