“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
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I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
oppen heimer style lol
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…