MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Follow me for more life hacks.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.