Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.