humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
And then there were 4
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
<- sleeps well with others
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.