my nickname in college
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
shit, they caught us—run!!!
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me: