I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.