[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
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Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired