10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Love is always patient and kind.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching