I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I’m not lazy
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider