MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
(2022)
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.