Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
You Might Also Like
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.