Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself