Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
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Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I only eat vegetarians.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church