Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.