I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Livid.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.