I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Pizza is an emotion right?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”