its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My dad.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
CUTE CAT‼︎
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.