2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
boat question
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.