I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
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Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
adam and eve had first world problems
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run: