Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Yep.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.