Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one